Being different

Night is my time

Some nights I just really don't feel like going to sleep even though I am supposed to up get early in the morning. The feeling I have is a kind of calm and just ignoring everything that is outside my apartment and in the near future (like job). Just being, doing things in my own pace without any bad conciousness for all the other things I need to do. I miss having this feelings and nights when studying since I didn't always have to go to school and during all those months of writing essays at home, night after night. My 50 sq. m. is my world with my thoughts. As I write they are floating far, far away, to places I've never been, doing things I only dream of, longing. Some of my thoughts end up here but some are better left in my head. Safer that way.

Is late really better than never?

Sometimes I wonder. In some cases I feel it might have been easier if it had been never rather than late.

Saudade

ningeWEza kwENda AfRIka

eller ningeENda AfRIka

NFC

I miss it.

"Want You Bad"

by The Offspring

As if I didn't exist

Odd, very odd. Every morning a colleague and I have had the same routine, saying hi in the bus, walking to the front door, chatting a little and a few minutes later see each other again in the dressing room and continue the chatting there.

The other day she didn't see (?) me on the bus. Getting of the bus she started walking very fast, not turning my way once. Entering the front door without the usual "see you in a bit" and in the locker room she sat with her back towards me the entire time she got her things in order to start working (about 1,5 meters away from me) and quickly leaving the room, still not having said one word or acknowledged my existence in any other way. I thought for myself that maybe she has been crying and didn't want to show me her red eyes so I didn't say anything.

At lunch she sat talking and laughing with another colleague. Later in the locker room I asked her with a cheerful voice "So you have stopped ignoring me now?" and she replied "yepp" and nothing more. The following day the same thing happened again but when I came down to the locker room I asked her "Have I done anything to you? Are you mad at me since you ignore me?". She, almost a little irritated, answered that she just had some personal issues to think of and didn't feel like having any company. I told her that that is ok but that she shouldn't ignore me since it was perceived as a bit rude, making me think that I had done something to her.

If someone wants to make me confused, insecure and/or furious, the best way is to ignore me. I find that extremely RUDE. In this care I just wondered what had happened, feeling confused since I am not very close to my colleague and therefor don't care that much. When it comes to people that I do know better, family or friends, I take it very personally and get very angry if someone ignore me. It has happened to me from time to time. Some people seem to think that their problem will go away by not pretending it is there. One person said straight to my face that he doesn't bother to answer when he doesn't think that the person (in this case me) has nothing of interest to him to say (sometimes not even knowing what it might be about). Another just was quiet and didn't respond to my attempt to contact, finally realizing that we had to talk. To me, ignoring people is a way of sending the signal that "you are not even worth my time, please go away" and/or "I don't want you to know what the situation is actually about".

Last one to know

I am raised in a family that is very open and I am used to be included in certain things even though I am the youngest. I am not good at all handling being the last one to know important things, whether it is within the family or concerning people outside it. It's hurtful.

I think that there are certain things, from certain people and in certain situations that one should NOT have to hear in a roundabout way (from someone else). But that is just me. Obviously :-((

I am round

Today somebody told me that I am round and others around me are square. That I am creative. That I need something else. But I am still round and others are square.

A round hole anywhere?

(Painting found here.)

Things I wished

Sometimes I wish that I...

* liked jeans and wore them all the time

* had medium long hair, maybe with a few, discrete high lights

* never used any other nail polish than beige and pale pink

* liked neutral colours and only wore them

* wanted wooden floors and furniture

* didn't have any interest in politics (that is more than how much tax I pay and how many more * years criminals should stay in prison)

* liked romantic comedies

* liked to spice my food with only salt and pepper

* listened to Energy on the radio

* went to a sun vacation in Spain every year

* that my favorite food was Mamma Scan's meatballs and potatoes

* never used any other make-up than mascara and neutral lip gloss

* always wore the latest fashion

* never had so many thoughts and things to say

* didn't really have any opinions that others around me have

* dreamt of having a job no more than 1 hours away from all of my family and friends

* never laughed very loud

* had patience as a saint

* preferred to read the local pages in the morning paper

* didn't like heavy metal, punk and music in other languages, only what is played on the commercial stations

* thought that there are too many immigrants in Sweden

* that isn't "normal" to have strong feelings for persons of the opposite sex

* never wrote emails longer than 5-6 lines at a time

* liked coffee

* didn't expect friends to act like friends (= with simple respect)

* only wore earrings to parties and other special occasions

* wore leggings and other things in fashion

* could settle with less

* hated when people have an open discussion about things they disagree about

* dreamt about having a summer house

* liked and bought clothes and stuff with the "right" brands

* am not impressed by a nice car

* don't want to get a golden engagement/wedding ring when the time comes

* didn't feel good being awake late at night

* preferred ham and cheese on my sandwich

* didn't like white

* wasn't curious about thing, all kind of things

* wanted to have a son named Lucas, Oscar or William and a daughter named Emma, Maja or Agnes

* and be named Johansson, Andersson or Karlsson

* not dreaming of going to the US, England or Australia

* didn't have need and urge to have a blog named In Natasja's CROWDED head and write in it so often

* didn't think that one should know one's own language before complaining on other's ability (read= immigrants)

* only had friends that have the same opinions, socioeconomic/ethnic background, and religious believes and style

* actually didn't have a reaction to deadly chemicals

* simply didn't care so much...it's a curse

then maybe and just maybe, I wouldn't feel like a weirdo who has to think about every single move I make or thing I say without being judged and convicted as a strange person.

So, are the things mentioned above wrong in any way? No, of course not (with a couple of exceptions concerning intolerance), it's all very common and normal. I just wonder why it should be so hard for people to accept when things aren't exactly as they are used to? What's so hard about it?

Yes ML, you should be careful for what you wish for...

...

shyyyy

Fire burning

Generalizing - playing with fire

To generalize is, according to me, playing with fire! When talking about a group of people, no matter whether it is about the colour of the skin, nationality, gender, profession, political opinion, interests, way of making money etc., it is very dangerous to imply in any way that they are all the same. It says more about a person that he or she probably would like to and not the least realize!

I went to a seminar/lecture/discussion tonight about what role religion plays in world politics. There were three speakers discussing it in a very good and interesting way (and academic way). One of the two women pointed out almost in the end that it might sound that she is little against a secular society in this discussion, that she is one of those that usually always are fighting for a secular society. The only reason for sounding like this, she said, was because she thought that the discussion sometimes was a little one-sided and she wanted to make sure that it became a bit more balanced.

I am just like that. When I feel that somebody generalizes, simplifies things too much or are plain intolerant (which are three things that are/can be connected!) I always get defensive for the part that isn't there to defend him/herself, which often is the case, no matter if I share the view or not. E.g. how often is there a homosexual person present when homosexuality in any way is discussed, or an immigrant or anyone that is accused for something?

Well, defensive is in some cases an understatement... It infuriates me when people don't think longer than (Gorma's) nose! There is especially one person close to me that I have these kind of discussions with and they are never quiet! Another person can vouch for that hehe...

One last provocative statement: You are NOBODY without principals! Just choose them carefully...

I am about to explode... I am so angry. *not talking to anybody* Safest..for everybody. I could really need a lot of chocolate right now. Store's closed :-(

Hey, family and friends... I just figured out what you should give me for birthday present this year. A boxing sac or what ever it's called and a couple of big red gloves and mum, give me a prescription for your blood pressure medicine, I am going to need it, sooner or later.

Sometimes I wish that I could know for one single minute what it feels like to imply not care...

Press forward, please

I am talking about this day. What a lousy mood I've been in all day, many reasons. A woman woke be up by calling me, making me happy. I could go and check out her very nice, and cheap, sofa that she wanted to sell. I was going to visit her at 2 pm. At about 1 pm she called again to tell me that she just sold the sofa to someone else! How RUDE! She made me so mad. You just don't do that. She never give me a chance. I am 99% sure that I would have bought it so she wouldn't have lost anything.

This one but in beige.

Long night

Sometimes I hate nights. If feeling lonely during daytime, the possibilities to find SOMEONE to talk to to kill some time and just being social to take away the feeling of being too far from everyone and everything, is much greater. That opportunity doesn't excist at night. The amount of people that are awake at this time of night are simply too few. I should go to bed. I really don't feel like it, not until I have taking away the craving for some social nourishment..or something. I have many things to do, not the least analyzing leadership courses. That is about the last thing I feel like doing. I hope the neighbours can't hear the music I'm playing relatively loud. The same song over and over again. I just love it. The original of course. More about that song another day, or night.

As my sister says, that I am up very late at night. The time gives me away. As if I actually care that people think I go to bed too late. Well, when they give me good reasons not going to bed so late, I might go to bed earlier. Since I usually don't have many things that I have to do at a certain time, why go up earlier just to adjust to people that won't see me at that time anyway since I spend most of my time by myself anyway. It's not like I have anyone to spend time with in a normal way in a day-to-day way. Last time that it was, at least almost like that, was when I studied human rights, I think, since we had classes almost everyday and often 2x2 hours. Btw, I wonder what that Mia is doing nowadays...and her husband who probably is one of the best looking guys I think I've ever meet. Too bad those two meeting only lasted for a total of 5 minutes probably. Maybe I should try to find another guy from Gambia to marry? Hahaha! Well, he has 11 siblings so he ought to have at least a few nice brothers. Hmm, if I remember correctly none of them live in Sweden.

So, what am I doing? Well, none of the things I ought to, sleep or write the stupid pages. I am sitting here blogging instead. I just finished wathing a movie that I've already seen. Not a very good movie but it was ok. Why? Hmm.. I wonder :-)

See, I am tired not sleepy but one thing is for sure. My brain isn't very creative when it comes to writing about interesting and relevant things. Ok, ok. I give up. I'll try to read the chapter called "Leadership and development of leading competence". Sounds fun huh? Right.

Donald dancing samba in Rio!!!

Oh, look what I found!!! This are several classical brazilian music in combination with Donald Duck. It is really nice, both to listen to and look at, even if you don't know portuguse! Not that I have a clue what Donald is saying (is he speaking in French??), only the parrot whom I don't know the name of. They are in the most beautiful city and country on earth according to me, Rio de Janeiro in Brazil! Btw, this is really how Brazilians can be hihi... How can you NOT be happy when being there? ...and it has nothing at all to do with the cachaca. I love this music :-D Be sure that I will play more Brazilian music here, I have already several in stock.

I say the same Donald, oh boy, oh boy oh boy, oh boy, samba!

U2

Diamonds are the most precious and valuable but also the hardest to make fit...

Bullet the Blue Sky